


If You Stay

by YourRegina4Ever



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-12 18:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2120784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourRegina4Ever/pseuds/YourRegina4Ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma comes back after being deployed for 15 months. The war is finally over. Regina is waiting for her with open arms along with their seven year old son. Everything seems as if things are back to normal, but what happens when Regina wakes up one night finding Emma choking her? Signs of PTSD.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If any of you want a song to listen to while you read this chapter, I highly recommend The Album Leaf's "The Light". It's the song I was listening to while I was writing this chapter. Also, rest assured I haven't given up on any of my other fics.

Have you ever received that one phone call that changed it all? The phone call that has the power to make it or break it? The phone call that you tell yourself you don't wait for every day you don't get it? I'm sitting here and looking at the view in front of me, wishing you were here to share it with me. Right here beside me. I look at my phone. I'm contemplating whether or not to call you. If I do, I may want to go back. Back to you. Maybe even back to simpler times. But looking around this room all alone, it's just wishful thinking.

My fingers trace the outline of the ring I still wear. One of these days, I'll be brave enough to take it off, but for now, in this empty room that I have yet to adjust to being in, I'll leave my ring on. I'll close my eyes and go back to the day you proposed. Because even though my mind knows I'm here in this room, in this house, without you, my heart plays back all the memories we made in our house. Together.

I get up and slowly make my way throughout the house, just tracing the edges and lines that make up the doors, the rooms, the windows, and everything else in this house, committing it to memory like I did with your smile, your face, and your body. I look around and see the boxes I have yet to unpack. A bittersweet smile is on my face as I recall when we first got the keys to our house. We had finally made it. We were out of that dreadful apartment, and we were so full of hope for the future.

Our son is in his race car bed sleeping with the teddy bear you gave him. He asked me so many questions the day I decided to pack up and take everything the three of us would need. I smile at him and kiss him on the forehead. Even when he sleeps, he reminds me of you, how whenever I'd kiss you on the forehead while you were sleeping, you'd smile in your sleep. I close his door, and turn around. I put my back against the door and start sliding down until I'm sitting and realize just how much has changed in over a year.

I get myself together and make my way to our daughter's room. She may not have much hair right now, but it's evident that she has your hair color. She has my eyes though, and her nose is like Henry's. I know she'll be sleeping for a little longer since I changed her diaper and fed her an hour ago. I place a kiss on her forehead and walk out of the room, making sure to take another glance at her before I go back to the living room.

As I make my way back to the living room, I hear my phone ring. Could it be? After all this time? Is it you? I never thought I'd hear from you again, especially since the last time we spoke was seven months ago. I remember our last phone call so vividly. I often think about it whenever I'm in my office at work or while I'm in the shower as the water washes my aches and worries away, even if only for a little while.

* * *

***Flashback to the last phone call**

I blame myself for how our relationship has come to be, but I won't accept blame for everything. You played a part in the dissolution of our marriage, or what's left of it, at least. Technically, we're still married. I never went through with the divorce papers. On the day I was going to go to the lawyer, I had just picked up Henry, and when he opened his eyes, I knew that my heart would always be yours. Later that evening, after I read Henry a bedtime story for him to fall asleep to, I sat beside the fireplace playing with the ring on my finger.

I answer the phone, and hear your voice. I then remember what today is. Our anniversary. Two years ago, you made reservations at the new restaurant that had opened, saying you wanted it to be like the reservation scene from "The Lake House."

"Where are you?"

"I'm not going to come. I can't. I can't pretend that nothing's changed between us, because everything HAS changed. It's different between us. We can't keep doing this to ourselves. We can't keep calling each other. You can't keep calling me. You can't. I love you, but I'm sorry. I won't do this. Not with you. Not anymore. I just can't. You deserve to be happy! I deserve to be happy! Our son deserves to be happy! Our baby deserves to be happy! For the first time in our marriage, I choose me. I choose our kids over you. You may think I'm selfish, but remember, _you're_ the one who left to go halfway around the world. Not once, not twice, _but_ seven times! When were we ever going to be enough for you to stay? [Baby is heard crying] I've got to go, Emma. Our – my baby is crying. It'll be easier for the baby to know it has one mom, instead of having two and the other going God knows where. I don't want any more calls from you. You can still call our son, but don't expect me to answer. God knows how many times I called you, and you never even bothered answering." *pause* "Are you still there?"

*pause* They can only hear each other's breathing, not wanting to break the silence, but rather just listening to each other. Finally Emma speaks.

"Yeah, I'm still here. What time is it for you, right now? Is the sun down or still up? Can we at least talk until we fall asleep? Like old times? Just this once? Please? I promise I won't call you again. But for tonight, I just want to hear your voice. I want us to talk. I want us to talk like we did before we had Henry, before we had our baby, before I ever left. Do you remember? When we would stay up late at night talking about our hopes and dreams?"

I stare into the darkness and know how easy it would be for me to say no and hang up, yet at the same time, it would be too difficult. "Do you think it's best? For us to go down through memory lane?"

"Don't you?"

* * *

"I remember when we found out we were going to have Henry. As soon as we got home, you started baby-proofing the house. I laughed telling you that he wasn't due for another five months."

"What can I say? I got excited. I mean we did just find out we were going to have a boy."

"I know, Emma. I became excited as well. I did go on a little baking spree, if you remember."

"How can I not? Our house smelled like apple tart goodness for a month. Granny still wants that recipe of yours, along with your special lasagna recipe."

"She can ask all she wants, but she won't get it from me."

* * *

"Remember when I finally got the courage to propose to you?"

"Yes, that's one memory I won't ever forget. I kept wondering why your mother and father kept grinning at me."

"I told them not to make it obvious! I wanted it all to be a surprise."

"Believe me dear. It was one of the most amazing surprises in my life. The thought and care and time you put into it all, I just knew there was no one else I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. Even before you proposed, I saw in you everything that I could ever hope for – a friend, a lover, someone who managed to make me so happy to be alive each day, and someone I saw myself raising a family with, if given the chance."

"I saw the same in you. Part of the reason why it took me so long to propose was because I was scared if I couldn't give you everything you wanted."

"Oh, Emma, my dear. Don't you know by now? All I could ever need and want for are you and our children."

Emma takes a deep breath, not wanting to ruin the moment. "You left. Even after you promised me you'd never do it to me."

Regina knows they're both still hurting and rightfully so, so she doesn't say what her mind automatically thinks of. _You promised me many things, yet you never fulfilled them. I kept all my promises but one._ Instead she says, "I had to."

Without skipping a beat, Emma replies, "I know, but it doesn't make any of this hurt any less."

* * *

"It's okay. I never really did blame you, just like I never blamed you for breaking my mother's fine china when you first met her." Emma starts laughing.

"It's nice, you know? Hearing your laugh. I haven't heard it since Henry was four. I know you still laugh, but not like how you did just now. It's more relaxed and genuine. How long will you stay up? I've never thought of the night only lasting a few hours. I've always thought that night meant until you saw the first rays of sunlight peeking through the window."

"I'll stay with you until the kids wake you up for breakfast. I'll stay even then. I'll stay for as long as you'll let me because I never want to hang up the phone. I should have stayed, so many times."

"Okay. I'll stay."

* * *

"I have to go."

"Is the sun up?"

"Yes. I wish you were here to watch it rise with me. Remember all those times I'd try to get you to wake up to watch it with me? The sunrise?"

"Yeah. I do. I wish I had done it when I had the chance."

"So do I. I'm hanging up the phone. I have to."

"I understand. I just wish I had watched the sunrise with you because whenever we were in our room together, I felt like we were the only two people in the world. When I would finally wake up, the sun looked glorious on you. God, I miss seeing that. Your smile highlighted by the sunlight streaming in through our windows."

"You should know that there isn't a day that goes by, I don't think of you."

"Then, you should know that there isn't a day that I don't miss you, Henry, or our baby."

* * *

"I should've run after you."

"I should've stayed."

"What would have happened between us, if I had stayed? If I hadn't left? Do you think we'd be at least in the same state or at least on the same coast right now?"

"I don't know, Emma. You had your dreams, and I had mine."

"When did our dreams become so different from each other?"

"Not all of our dreams."

"You're right. Not all of our dreams. We've got an amazing son, and a beautiful baby who I hope looks like you."

"Emma, I think it's time you knew. Our baby is a girl. And I know earlier I said my baby, but just because we aren't in the same state, doesn't mean she's not yours."

"We have a girl? We have a girl! What's her name? Does she have my eyes or yours? Does she laugh or pout most of the time like Henry did when he was a baby? Does she wake you up all throughout the night or let you sleep in?"

"Yes, we have a daughter, and she's beautiful, Emma."

* * *

"I want to see the sunrise through your eyes."

"You do?" Regina is in tears at this point.

"Yes, I do. I'll close my eyes and let you be my eyes for these next few moments. I want to see what you see."

"Alright, dear. Close your eyes. Are they closed?"

"Yes."

"Good. Okay, I'm stepping outside in the backyard on the deck."

"There's a deck?"

"Yes, there is, and the backyard is small but big enough for Henry to run around, and in a few years, our daughter will be able to run around with him. Do you remember those two chairs you carved? The ones you wanted to put on our porch?"

"Yeah, I remember. I can't seem to find the other one. Why?"

"I took the other one. I'm sitting on it right now. The sunrise is about to happen. Are you ready, dear?"

"I am. I'm ready to see how you see it."

"It's absolutely beautiful. It makes me feel alive again. The sun is starting to peek through in the horizon. It starts off slow but then once it's finally here to be witnessed, you'll realize it only takes a few minutes to be right in front of you in all of its glory. There are clouds in the background full of wisps of navy blue and a warm overtone of orange cream, rose red, and softened violet highlights that only enhance the sun's rays. The more the sun appears, the warmer your skin feels and the more you intimately feel alive. It's as if we're laying down on top of that hill watching the clouds go by, and you describing what animals you see. It's as if the sun is making a promise to you that things will be better today than before. It's as if you're never alone. There it is, Emma. It's finally here." Regina breathes a sigh of relief and content and closes her eyes.

* * *

"You know, just like fingerprints, sunrises are different."

"I never knew."

"Well, now you do. Emma, I hope you enjoyed watching this sunrise with me. Maybe one day we can watch one with the kids."

"I'd like that a lot." Emma sighs. She knows that in order to get Regina back and her family, she has to let Regina hang up now.

Emma plays with the telephone cord and continues, "Thank you, for showing me a part of your world. You always knew how to see the beauty in everything. I just wish I hadn't taken it for granted."

Regina now has a box of Kleenex as she wipes away her tears. She clears her throat, and looks at the time. "Come back to me whenever you're ready."

Before Emma can respond, Regina has already hung up. Emma glances at the clock. Seven hours of hearing her wife's voice, and it still wasn't enough. How could it be? Nothing would ever be enough. Not until the day she would be able to hold Regina in her arms again and never let go.

* **End Flashback**

* * *

"Hello?"

"Regina?"

"Yes?"

"It's me. Emma."

"Emma."

"I'm leaving soon. For work. I just wanted you to know what I would have said the last time. Then I'll hang up the phone. Okay?"

"Alright, I understand."

"Thank you. I'm coming back to you. One day, we won't be on separate coasts or in different states. One day, we'll be in the same house, making new memories, and I'll be coming back home each day in time for dinner. One day, I'll find myself all over again, and that's when I'll know I'll be ready to come back to you, Henry, and what's our daughter's name?"

"Her full name?"

"Yes."

"Charlotte Rose Mills-Swan."

"It's perfect."

"I knew you'd like her name. You did always say you liked the name Charlie."

"That's what I'll call her. Charlie. That day can't come soon enough. When I get to work today, I'll take a break and look at the sunrise and imagine I'm with you, watching it."

Before Regina can answer, Emma continues, "And one of these days, I'll describe a sunrise to you."

Neither can stand actually saying goodbye. They listen to each other's breathing for a minute, and then they both hang up at the same time.

* * *

After making sure all her blinds are closed, Regina sits back down in her office. That's when her tears provide a torrential downpour on her desk. She opens the bottom drawer of her desk and pulls out a picture frame that's faced down. She flips it to see the picture. With one hand covering her mouth to muffle the sound of her crying, she brings the frame close to her heart with her other hand. It's a picture of her and Emma on their wedding day during their first dance as a married couple. She pulls out her iPod and quickly finds the song that was playing for their first dance. She puts her earphones in, and the lyrics echo in her mind as she allows herself to recall a happy memory.

**What day is it? And in what month?**

**This clock never seemed so alive**

**I can't keep up, and I can't back down**

**I've been losing so much time**

**'Cause it's you and me and all of the people**

**With nothing to do, nothing to lose**

**And it's you and me and all of the people**

**And I don't know why**

**I can't keep my eyes off of you**

* * *

As soon as she hangs up the phone, Emma washes her face and heads out the door. It isn't until she's stuck in traffic for at least forty-five minutes when she loses all self-control and cries. She opens her glove compartment and pulls out a picture hidden underneath some documents. It's a picture of her and Regina on the day they welcomed Henry into the world.

_I should've been there when our daughter was born. I should've been there to hold your hand as you squeezed it and yelled at me for putting you through that pain. I should've been there to cry with you tears of joy the moment the doctor said, "It's a girl". I should've been there to excuse myself and go to the waiting room and tell my parents and Henry that he now had a baby sister. I should've been there to take Henry back, to meet her for the first time. I should be there right now, making it all up to you. But I can't. I have to get better. I have to be the mother and wife you all deserve to have. I'm getting there. One day at a time._

While Emma gets out of traffic and makes it to work, Regina heads into one of several meetings she has for today. Both are left with the painful reminder that they are on opposite sides of the country instead of being in each other's arms for comfort.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy the next addition to If You Stay. I know some of you were confused because of the summary I gave about how Regina woke up one night with Emma choking her. In this chapter, you will find out what happened before the events in the first chapter. I will be working on updating my other fics. Reviews are welcome :) The song suggestion for this chapter is The Album Leaf’s Twenty Two Fourteen.

_“Emma! Wake up! You’re having a nightmare.”_

_I try to breathe but I can’t and I’m left with looking straight at Emma as she replays another memory of her time from one of her deployments. I can’t let her do this. If I die, our baby dies. I scratch and claw at her and do my best to kick her. I manage to knock over my glass, and I hear it shatter on the floor. Kathryn must have heard because she comes bursting in our room._

_“Regina! Frederick! Get in here! Emma is choking Regina!”_

_Frederick grabs Emma off of me and I struggle to breathe. It takes her a few minutes to wake up, while Kathryn tries to calm me down._

_“Regina, you need to drink. Just stay on the bed, while I clean away the glass.”_

_“Henry! I need to check on him!”_

_I walk around and go straight for his room. I open the door and see he hasn’t woken up. Never had I been more thankful than now, knowing that he was a deep sleeper. I walk over to his bed and kiss him on the forehead. I came so close to losing him. I came close to losing our baby. I take a few minutes to compose myself before closing his door. I turn around and Kathryn sadly smiles as she leads me back into my bedroom._

_“Regina, I- it was a nightmare. I don’t – I’ll go back to therapy. I promise. I’ll go this time. I promise it won’t be last time when I said I would and didn’t go to the session.”_

_“I think it’s best if we all got some rest. You can sleep here. I’ll start my day now.”_

_I couldn’t very well say that I didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as you. I didn’t know how you would react, and that’s the thing, it never got this bad. Sure you would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and do this to me. This wasn’t the first time you had done this to me and promise me you’d go get help or go to therapy. This was the first time you had done this and hadn’t woken yourself up. This was the first time you had done this while I was currently carrying our baby. A baby I was going to tell you about tomorrow. But now, this… I look in your eyes and know I can’t do this anymore. Once the office opens later this morning, I’ll contact my lawyer. I’ll pick up Henry and pack up everything we’ll need. And it’s not just the choking. The choking usually happens just once every time you return home from a deployment, but this time, it’s also the fact that this was the first time you yelled at Henry. Our son! You yelled at him and told him to man up once he started crying. What’s happened to you? There’s only so much I can do if you refuse to seek treatment. I can’t be the one you need right now. I can’t. Because right now, I am a mother. I have to be what Henry and our baby need. And maybe in a few weeks’ time, I’ll tell you how the IVF treatment worked a second time, and that I’m pregnant._

_“Regina?”_

_“Hmm? Oh, Kathryn. I was – just thinking.”_

_“I know. Look, Frederick and I thank you for letting us stay here while our home is being fumigated. I think – “_

_“Thank you. Thank you both for saving my life. Thank you for being such a light sleeper.”_

_“Regina, I didn’t… I know we’ve talked about this, but seeing it firsthand…”_

_“I know. She’s not abusive. She’s not. She just won’t go get treatment. She feels ashamed really.”_

_“Well, I don’t care how she feels. You’re my best friend. And tonight you almost died! Frederick and her are both in the military, and he has always gone to therapy. He said he wasn’t willing to risk hurting me like some other people returning from combat might do. And yes, I know not everyone does, but a lot do return with signs of PTSD. And… in your condition… I feel it’s best if you stayed with us once our house has been deemed safe. You and Henry.”_

_“Kathryn.” I look around and breathe a sigh of relief when I hear Frederick speaking with Emma upstairs._

_“She can’t know. And I will take care of everything.”_

_“What do you need?”_

_“Right now, I need to make breakfast because in two hours, I’ll have to drop off Henry to daycare, and then go to an appointment or two.”_

_“I’ll help you make breakfast and their lunches. I can also go with you to drop off Henry.”_

_“Thank you. You don’t know how much it means to me to have you here. Thank you.”_

_“Regina, you’re welcome. Honestly, there’s no need to thank me. Now, let’s get your blood pressure under control. Here, drink some water. What do you want to make for breakfast?”_

_“Perhaps just some French toast with bacon and scrambled eggs? Something simple for now. I don’t actually have to make lunch. I have chicken burritos in the freezer. Just need to bake them in the oven.”_

_“Okay. Let’s go.”_

* * *

 

“Regina, Mrs. McKinley just placed an order and this time it’s bigger than the one we got before.”

 

“When does she want the order completed by?”

 

“This Saturday.”

 

“Two days? Well, she’s not one for ordering a week in advanced. Very well. What is her order?”

 

“Apparently, the wedding is back on. So they moved the wedding up a month just in case her daughter gets cold feet again. She wants three hundred pieces of apple turnovers and a four-tiered cake with alternating tiers of vanilla and pecan praline.”

 

“Mrs. McKinley wants three hundred pieces of apple turnovers? Did you explain to her that there would be a fee for such a large order and doing it without a week’s notice?”

 

“Yes, I did. I was going to tell her it would be a $50 fee when she said she’d pay $200. I didn’t want to correct her.”

 

“I will speak with her and tell her the real fee. We have to run an honest business. No matter how inconvenient certain clients may be. Let’s get to work.”

 

* * *

 

“Anna, I think we can stop now. We’ve made great progress. I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

“Regina, are you sure? I mean I know the cake can be taken care of tomorrow, but we still have a lot to do.”

 

“I’m more than sure. Besides, I promised Henry four bedtime stories this evening. And you have a very pregnant wife at home. Here. I set this aside for her. It’s a cinnamon roll cake.”

 

“Oh my god. You’re the best boss ever!”

 

“Oh hush! Come on. I’ll close up and walk you to your car.”

 

* * *

 

“Mommy! You’re home!”

 

“Hello, my prince! Of course, I’m home! I’ve missed you and your sister so much!”

 

“I helped feed Charlie, Mommy!” Henry says proudly as I get out of my heels.

 

“You did? I am so proud of you! You are such a good big brother, Henry!”

 

Henry takes my hand and we go to the living room where Kathryn is changing Charlie’s diaper.

 

“Thank you for watching them, Kathryn.”

 

“No need to thank me. Now, let’s all go eat the nice food I ordered.”

 

“Henry, let’s wash our hands first.”

 

* * *

 

After I tuck Henry in his bed, and check in on Charlie, I join Kathryn downstairs, where she is already pouring two glasses of wine.

 

“Rough day?”

 

“Not at all. Thank you for coming to visit. I do apologize for asking you to babysit. I’m sure you didn’t fly all the way out here just to visit your nephew and niece.”

 

“Regina, you are my best friend. I _want_ to visit you. I _want_ to check up on all of you. Besides, you’re by yourself. And yes, I know you have Henry and Charlotte, but you don’t have anyone to really help you out. I am more than happy to come see you every three months. And you’re the one doing me a favor. With Frederick gone on another deployment, the house gets lonely.”

 

“You know you’re welcome to stay.”

 

“I don’t have that _many_ vacation days, but I can stay for another week. I took them to the park today. They loved it.”

 

“Go ahead and ask me what you really want to know. You don’t have to butter me up.”

 

“I want to make sure you’re relaxed before asking. Have you thought of her?”

 

“Every single day. How can I not? After all I see her in our children.”

 

“Yesterday before I came here, I saw her leave Archie’s place when I was heading to the diner. I’m trying to be civil towards her, but I hold her accountable.”

 

“Kathryn, I was to blame as well.”

 

“Regina, you were scared. Running away like that was the last option I know you would ever choose to do. And with good reason. If Frederick and I hadn’t reached you in time, you and Charlotte would both have died.”

 

Silence envelops the two of us. I couldn’t find myself to speak more on the subject. It was true that I still thought of you and our old life together. But as I look around and listen to the sound of our daughter crying half an hour later, I know I made the right decision. While I am your wife, I am a mother first, and I can’t keep blaming myself. I don’t want to be stuck in the past. I need to focus on the present, even if it means that for now, I can’t be with you.


End file.
